Best posts made by wheelerguy
She was always a lap ahead of us.
Around the time of the reboot where Chris and Sabine came on, I seriously wished the BBC did an N24 special with Frikadelli that tracks the whole race experience from start to finish from both Sabine's and Harris' perspective. After learning she had been fighting cancer since 2017, I quaked. This is such a heartbreaking loss so soon after another one.
On the bright side, however, I'm quite certain Murray Walker will be astonished to see her enter the much-exalted race in the skies on a van and overtaking the other drivers (and motorcyclists) as though they were standing still. A van that somehow packs an M5 and a 911 GT3-R. The one that matches her bright grin.
So I Hibernated... Now What's Next? | Diecast Diaries
WARNING: the following blog may contain some fairly heavy topics from a man dealing with some funky psychology shit. I wanted to run this on DriveTribe but fear that it may be a bit too much of a vent. Treat this as a peer review.
After finishing my big year-end feature, I found myself in a place I didn't want to be. The lazy place. The dim-blue corner of the room I share with my parents and younger brother where I endlessly replay everything that ever happened over the past year, weeping quietly while doing so. He gnaws into me, taking bite after bite, and after he has chewed me out, he says to me: "This is all your fault for not acting decisively enough and perfectly enough". And I agree with him, every night while I stare at the screen to try and be distracted.
Worse is, my cars don't rev up my heart as much anymore. The television in my head, where the images come to life at the touch of metal, has blurred to static, unable to make an image no matter how hard I hit my head on the bedroom wall or dining table.
And with no one else to talk to — believing that it's futile to look for advice when everything is mediated by screens anyway — my only recourse is to eat back the tears and detritus, showing a veneer of competence, if tinged slightly by chest pain, to the moving pictures that pass of as classmates on my laptop's retina display. Add to that the fact that I've relied too much on the parasocial thanks to YouTube, and it's easy to see how I may deteriorate day by day, unable to produce something truly powerful that can come only from me.
So I didn't.
Rather than waste time on something that I don't think anyone will care too much about, I turned blogging into a night job, hunting for interesting content outside of diecast cars that I can spin up into a click-worthy piece. And it worked! It worked so well, in fact, that I now have three stories going over 100 bumps, and I'm being paid enough pounds sterling that I can actually stay afloat to buy both necessities for myself and wants worth having. I was on my way to achieving a level of self-sustainability that I reckon I can take risks and not feel like I'm gimping my parents or my brother.
But it wasn't satisfying.
My blogs weren't furthering my creative ambitions; it was a routine. And even then, it was sporadic; often I find material elsewhere that I find interesting only to end up forgetting that I even thought of saving that, thus making me feel like I have nothing to write even if I have a fair bit.
Before I knew it, it was turning into a vicious spin cycle. My car has skipped off the kerb, rolled, and kept rolling down, down, down a cliff, with no way to get out even if I wanted to. Probably because I didn't want to. Call it ideation induced by anxiety and manic depression, or call it sloth. Thing is, I simply couldn't bring myself to give any more effort and heart into the words because I let the futility pervade my psyche. The routine blog is one thing; in reality, I wanted to tell a different story, one that is unbound by word count or academic standards.
Each day that I look at my draft folder, I disappoint myself. My Hot 5 still isn't finished. I was supposed to review the new TopGear three months ago. I was supposed to talk about race circuit design, the power and importance of Oppositelock, hot takes on who the GOATS of motorsport are, and four flash-fiction vignettes for a world that is now crumbling beneath my palms. At one point I even had an idea to pit the Valkyrie AMR Pro and the Bugatti Bolide in a tale of the tape, two quizzes about Initial D and Super GT, respectively, a long-overdue game review, another review of the Grand Tour episode or a retrospective featuring relics from my collection and a vertical on jeepneys and some more opinions—
— I should shut up.
The weariness stems from multiple factors, and I don’t think there’s a panacea to it. Nothing will ever be. But I can’t stay inside this hole, now, can I? I still have my life ahead of me, I have aspirations and dreams to turn tangible, and it’s not like I’m in such a bad place. DriveTribe has let me play around here, my university has more than enough resources for me to use, and every person I can talk to is one call away. All I need to do is climb. I may be a bloody pathetic, scaredy-cat scramble, or it could start with surer footing (thanks, John Coleman). One thing I know for sure is this, though: I must not wallow in sorrow.
The first order of business, however, is to sleep. Sleep some more. Sleep well. Sleep at 11 pm and wake up at 7 am to Vitamin D-enriched sunshine. Sleep without ever thinking DriveTribe at all and thinking about coursework just enough. Cut down on Twitter and IG, and only watch anime without waiting for Reddit threads. I need to rest. To relax. To actually savour the lyrics from Porter Robinson’s five new singles. I have to realize deep within myself that it’s not a matter of getting good so much as it is a matter of staying on the 8-ball and having fun doing so.
Because I haven’t had fun.
Why is that?
If I had to surmise, it’s probably because I haven’t thought for myself, for my own enjoyment. That the big reason why I start things is that I find them personally engaging, endearing, challenging and weird in ways I like. The need for validation crept up on me, mostly because it was tied to a tangible result. That was the wrong approach; indeed, it was the wrong mentality. I should not have thought of what other people will think. They’ll think what they think. I have to mind my own thoughts. My overthought and underthought.
My head needs recalibrating.
That explains the sleep. But what happens once I wake up next week?
Fortunately, I've identified one significant problem with my workflow: photo editing. Given my style of layering multiple exposures onto a final master, creating features with over 10 images is going to be draining repetitive work.
At first, my solution is just to get better at editing and use more presets, but that's just an acknowledgement of where I'm bad at, not actually solving the problem. Part of the solution, then, must come from the act of shooting itself. I have to take better photos.
I also have to realize where my priorities must lie.
What's the point of my two verticals, anyway? They're mostly written from the perspective of a budget collector to see if a given car is worth buying (Inspection Room) or to tell a story through the car (Diecast Diaries). They don't need to be too long unless I'm comparing two or more cars or so into the narrative, so there's no need to put in the comparable effort. To be fair, I still have to give it some elbow grease -- the final piece still has to be worth reading -- but I shouldn't devote too much time to them. One car, two days. That should be more than enough time to shoot and write. Besides, I'm on no obligation to write any of these, anyway, so I don't think there needs to be a schedule for these.
And that's the crux of the problem. I lost sight of this being a hobby for me; equating my blogs to actual work, even if it's just to buy me food and cars, making it less a fun diversion and more a requirement. It's not. It shouldn't be, and up until now, it hasn't been. It's time for me to realize that and change my mindset.
It won't happen overnight, of course; I reckon I'd have to finish my remaining coursework to ensure I don't leave stones unturned, but after that, I'll rest and re-evaluate the things I want to write about. From there, I'll come back by the end of March at the soonest to give you a more concrete plan. How's that sound? Please help me hold myself accountable for that.
The project I'm most sure of starting is a big 4-model comparison test between Majorette, Hot Wheels, Tomica and MiniGT with their versions of the McLaren Senna. I'm equally certain I can do a Panoz feature, a pair of single-casting reviews, and two flash-fiction short stories. When will that happen? Starting April.
In the end, the important thing for me to remember is that I am in no pressure to fulfill this. Write in my own time, with momentum, with as little burden as possible. It's the winning approach that guarantees I don't wring myself dry or be confused about what to prioritize. It means I can post actually good work, one that can live up to standards and others'.
Alright, long-winded rant over. TL;DR of it all: I'm depressed and worn-out, so II'm sleeping and resetting my brrain to refocus my priorities and help me write better about things I like writing about. If you read through all this, anyway, thank you. And rip me apart in the comments.
While I was actually after the Mazda, the same seller was moving a bunch of derelict Majorette. Or at least one of them.
And now I can sleep in peace knowing that I never got sniped and still got the cars for way less than some dolts sell them for. Newer models can wait — I can probably just get a guy to supply me recent castings for one drop.
My dumb ass got me locked out of the forum account lul
But I'm back! Finally! What did I miss (other than the amazing development done to this forum which looks like the business now)?
I was originally meaning to run many of my big blog posts here first to check for correctness and reception, but because I was schtewpid, I had to raw-dog it on DT itself. Guess it worked out just fine, but the 666 here holds more water as your experience and brutality is simply better.
This is especially important because I want to do a big profile piece on Oppo, possibly as a thesis piece for my core creative nonfiction subject in my Creative Writing course, and I want to get the theory and story right.
So yeah. How's it been?
Latest posts made by wheelerguy
Pretty sure someone can sneak an M between this and make the new Dacia logo actually be DMC.
But that's on you guys now, not me. Also, yeah, they changed their logo, mostly to fit in the grille.
RE: Healthlopnik: potential underestimation edition
@chariotoflove Keep observing for now, then decide before I finish undergrad, depending on whether or not the shunt goes the other way. That also kinda means I can't get major dental work done (I still have baby teeth, mate, gross!), but that's a different catch-22.
RE: Also there's Forza Horizon 5 and it looks swank
@carsoffortlangley Officially? No. But bet your bottom dollar YouTubers will try to do "smuggling runs" until The Algorithm whacks them in the head.
RE: Also there's Forza Horizon 5 and it looks swank
@whoistheleader Mexico. The nephews are salty it isn't Japan.
RE: They put a jet fighter in MS Flight Sim
@exage03040 Yeah, and DCS is miles above MSFS20. But then, MSFS20 has a much wider reach than DCS, so I reckon it's pretty significant that it gets fighter aircraft.
Also, DCS is at once too hectic and too dry for me. Project Wingman is danker.
But that doesn't mean that if I ever get a powerful rig that I won't get both. Especially because I'm pretty sure replicating Ace Combat on DCS is gonna be the ultimate experience worth gunning for.
RE: They put a jet fighter in MS Flight Sim
@ttyymmnn That I'm still looking into. Apparently, mods already exist for jet fighters (mostly from FSX), but so far, there doesn't seem to be any combat capacity. If the Top Gun expansion adds combat and weaponry, though...well...really depends on their implementation. But then, why partner up with Top Gun?