Usually this section is ridiculous, with off the wall, self-important or meandering and ill-defined ads. So I wrote one for fun. It was flagged within minutes for some reason, but here it is anyway:
Edit: Even after sanitizing and editing it a bit, it still got flagged, though it took a few minutes longer this time. This is why the CL musician section is ridiculous. It's ok to post the following:
"FuzzyThunder HammerMassiv DethRapey DoomMetal MusiciansWanted =)" , with ridiculous and incoherent bullshit in the ad, but not my clear attempt at humor.
Anyway, here's my ad:
Extremely serious musicians wanted. Also drummers.
Please allow me to introduce myself.
I am a man of wealth and taste, a man of of constant sorrow... a man on the run. Recently I was in Joshua Tree tripping on peyote, as one does, and I had a visitor. A fat man in a suit and sunglasses, with an unequivocal message: Get the band back together, or the world will face dire consequences. Even more dire than all the consequences we're already facing. He emphasized that last bit. Hard to imagine, since everything is so bad all the time now, but that's what the man said.
When I awoke from my dream, my path was clear: I must put together an international supergroup of the very finest local musicians found on Craigslist. Rock hard players with fearsome chops and deep experience, but who probably also have day jobs and families and reliable transportation, and browse the Musicians section for entertainment to break up the monotony of their day. True players, who would only respond to a properly serious ad, written in the traditional Craigslist style with absolute transparency, clearly defined objectives and accurate descriptions of one's own skill and experience.
Open your mind and allow me to lay out my vision for this group:
Guitar: The melter of faces. Ideally you have fastidiously crafted your own distinct style from the influences of Steve Vai, Chet Atkins, Leo Kottke, Gary Clark Jr, Dave Mustaine, Chuck Berry, Mark Knopfler, Charlie Hunter (without the Leslie), John Petrucci, Derek Trucks, Eric Gale, Bela Fleck, and Plini. If I hear even a hint of Eric Clapton or fucking Yngwie Malmsteen, you're out. Also, if you have more than 3 pedals, do you even shred, bro?
Bass: You're a freight train delivering filthy grooves to the masses. I'm looking for Jaco Pastorius trading fours with Les Claypool, and Victor Wooten walks in slinging his axe around and they make it a three-way. And what's this? Lemmy shotgunning 37 beers and kicking over their amps? Bring him, too. I'm going to need vocals from you as well, so give me your best Geddy Lee, but not, like, too much Geddy Lee. We're not Canadians, here. Throw a little Bootsy Collins on it, know what I mean? If your cab has anything less than 4 12's, GTFO. It's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Drums: You are the thunder to my lightning. I want fierce snare attacks like machine guns in the night. Double bass like cannon volleys. Have you ever seen those videos of atomic bomb tests blowing buildings away? That's you. Forget John Bonham, we don't need some sloppy drunk driving my Rolls into the pool again. Think Larnell Lewis, locked in battle with Mike Portnoy. Your solos make Ginger Baker on acid look like your mom's drum circle. Neil Peart would come back from the Other Side and jump his motorcycle through a ring of fire over your kit. Sheila E would marry you. That's how powerful you are. I only ask one thing, a true test for any drummer: Do not play while we are tuning.
Electric Fiddle: Yes, we're going there. Basically all I want is Jean-Luc Ponty.
Keys: Imagine this... Bernie Worrell, Herbie Hancock, Richard Wright, Chick Corea, Diana Krall, Rick Wakeman, Thelonious Monk, and that guy from Kansas all walk into a darkened room, unaware of one another. A grand piano suddenly drops from the ceiling, exploding on the floor. The lights come up, exposing all manner of keyed instruments surrounding them. Synths, keytars, an intact grand piano, two babies, uprights, a full pipe organ, a Hammond B3, Korgs, Yamahas, Alesis..es, Rolands, the list goes on. These instruments all have one addition: A talk box. The doors lock loudly. The ghost of Robert Moog booms the following instruction: "Choose your weapons wisely, players, for they may be the last you wield. Play as if your life, nay, your very soul is at stake, for we are at the crossroads and the devil is on his way. Only one of you may remain. Begin." So anyway, they solo to the death. You sound like that room. Think you can hang? Then whip out that organ and give me the fingering of your life.
Etruscan Flute, etc: This is where I come in. I am known throughout these lands as an aficionado of various instruments of the mouth, and my mighty wind is a force to be reckoned with. Additionally, I specialize in projecting the sound of the ancient Arctic Nordhhorn, first discovered embedded in permafrost by Horst Nordfink in 1138. Thought to be the first known foghorn, this will open every show. Not only do I play the Etruscan flute and Norddhorn with great vigor, but I have received international acclaim for my rendering of Wax Simulacra backwards, simultaneously playing French Horn and Tenor Sax with no mouthpiece. My embouchure is not only world-class, but top secret in 17 countries and banned in 3. I shall say no more on this subject until we meet.
There is one thing that is required of each of you, and it is imperative to our success. You must have "The Look."
Oh, and you also must have the vaccination. Because I don't rock with assholes.
Now that we've laid bare my deepest desires in the assembly of this group and your musicianship, I will now propose our style:
We're going to play classic rock covers. But this is only a temporary ploy to lure in fans who are wary of original music. This will be enough to earn us gigs at Sea Pines. We will slowly work original pieces into our sets, perhaps one every 5 songs. Then we'll add another. And another. And as we do so we will not only retain our original fanbase who won't realize what has happened, but also attract a younger and more informed listener, the kind who things downtown SLO is hip and cool and will petition the Downtown Gentrification Association to book us at Concerts in the Plaza. Thus, we will build a resilient and multi-generational fanbase which will propel our meteoric rise to stardom. One side note vis a vis local gigs: We will need to be playing for at least one bar fight per month in order to bolster our cred. This will mean playing Mr. Rick's. I'm sorry.
Now, our true style, our final form, is predicated on one simple truth: Mumford & Sons would be better if they sounded like Slayer. To that end, what I'm looking for is the Infamous Stringdusters with the sheer power of Megadeth, but with bop jazz undertones and a hint of Parliament. Over this will flow ethereal, cerebral yet aggressive lyrics on reverb & delay, with an irreverent sense of the absurd. Something like Wobbler jamming with Phish, but Bjork shows up unexpectedly. Our faster songs will take a different path into punk territory, except in tune and with lyrics you can understand. Most of these will be acoustic. I do have one fast piece composed which I can only describe as 311 covering the middle section of Pink Floyd's Echoes at 3x speed, played through a gramophone into Stevie Wonder's ears. I realize that sounds bad on the face of it, but I think it will really move the needle.
Does this sound like you? If so, consider your dreams carefully before stepping aboard. Successful applicants will be asked to report to my top secret compound deep within Cuesta Ridge for a period of several weeks, during which I will run a battery of tests to determine your proficiency and ideal tone. You must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. Luminous beings are we, out to push the envelope of sonic possibility! We have the power to bring light to darkness, heal a broken planet. But I need you to achieve the dizzy heights of this dreamed of world. The best time to be is now, and all I can say is, let's rock.
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