What’s round on both ends and has peepee in the middle? Yes, you, Oppo. And you’ve finally gotten what’s coming to you, you friggin’ mutts. Ah c’mon, you know I love you. Oh go screw, ya pricks, ya. O wait, you’re still here? Heh heh. Sorry. You rock.
Hi, I’m Mike Spinelli. I started Jalopnik back in 2004 because I had no other prospects. I wrote stream-of-consciousness blogs about cars, and somehow that became a real media property. I didn’t profit off of it at all. I was poorly paid and what “stock options” I had in the original Gawker company have folded into Nick Hogan’s porn startup or whatever, but I’ve been dining out on having started Jalopnik for 16 years, so it’s been a net gain.
But we're here about Oppo. You guys have been through a lot. You started out as Jalopnik’s right arm and burrowed your way in, becoming more like a spleen or gall bladder. By that I mean you’re probably important but no one knows what you do. You’re filled with gross things like pus or bile, as the case may be, but the host would die without you, or maybe it wouldn’t. Heh heh. Is that funny? I haven’t known what’s funny since 2006.
No, really. You guys are important. You helped find Torchinsky’s Beetle, you made copyright infringement a content strategy, you fought a land war in Asia. What the hell do I know what you did? Whatever it is, I’ll always love you, at least until I don’t, because I’m a withholding sonofabitch who doesn't know how to love.
But It's not about me. Oppo has always been like the “kids in the hall” for Jalopnik. I guess sort of like the “I’m Crushing Your Head” Canadian “Kids In The Hall,” but more like the New York "kids in the hall" like Mel Brooks and Woody Allen who fed one-liners to the senior writing staff of Sid Caesar’s “Your Show of Shows” back in the '50s, hoping to win entrance to the “big room” where the full-time writer big shots hung out.
Just like those guys, many notable Oppos found entrance into Jalopnik’s big room. Among them, Mark Twain, Sheriff Lawrence Hodge (no relation) and a second grader we all came to know as Aaron Brown.
Wait, is this a roast? It’s not? Shit. Sorry. You guys are great. I hope this new Oppo becomes as lousy with dangling modifiers and copyright infringement as the old Kinja Oppo was. By that I mean, best of luck. We’re all counting on you.