Had a session with my therapist last Wednesday.
My first one in a long time. I cried from start to finish. Not a “manly” thing to admit, but oh well.
She helped me realize that depression is bad right now because I’m quite literally lonely. I work from home and I don’t really have any friends.
I mean, I have “friends”, but I don’t hang out or spend time with anyone other than my wife and the kids. And when the kids are at their grandparents and my wife is busy with her mom or with her other mom friend(s), I’m alone. The only place I have to go is my grandma’s (my grandma is my mom, basically, since my mom died when I was 11). I mean, I’m an introvert but damn I’d like to hang out sometimes with some people.
It just sucks. In the summer, I had some car show buddies that I’d see on weekends, but that has stopped. And I wasn’t super close to any of them. Just surface level. We used to have a men’s group at church but that stopped, too.
I just miss having friends. My best friend since childhood lives 2 hours away and is a busy successful full-time realtor with no kids. So, our schedules hardly ever jive.
And only having my grandma to hang out with really makes me sad to think about how old she is and losing her someday. She turns 91 in February and although she is super healthy, I know my time is running short.
Loretta Lynn dying earlier this year really threw me for a loop, as silly as that sounds, because her and my grandma were the exact same age and even each had a stroke at about the same time. It just made me realize how little time I have left with her. It doesn’t help that Miss Loretta and my “Meemaw” (as I call her) are two tough, outspoken southern ladies. Not gonna lie, I played my Spotify Loretta Lynn playlist and shed more than a few tears.
Add to all of this the stress of my job changes coming Jan. 1 and our economic situation and I’m just kaput mentally and emotionally. I’m preconditioned to worry and stress anyway, being clinically diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This shit is exhausting, to be frank.
I guess I need to get out more and try to make new friends. But my niche interests (for a guy, at least) and my lack of self/esteem plus my introvertedness make that so damn difficult. Why’s it gotta be so hard to meet guy friends that aren’t assholes?
Either way, I know I’m whining and I know that’s annoying, so if you’ve made it this far, well, kudos.
Mazda6 Christmas shot for your time. Took this a couple weeks ago.