As many of you know, I've wanted a fuel efficient commuter to reliably get me to and from work in comfort, without any drama during the wet and dreary Seattle winter. Basically, I wanted the absolute antithesis to the last ten vehicles I've purchased.

I'm almost thirty. I'm tired of the struggle. I just want to open the door, turn the key, and go. No drama. No crazy stories. I want to be boring, dammit! Give me a souless appliance, an A-to-B washing machine-on-wheels, a monochromatic blob to blend in with the masses, stuck right with them in the grinding morning commute, ticking down the hours of my life heading back home just to do it all again the next day. Rinse and repeat.

Do you know how many years I commuted with a 5-point harness in an FIA-approved bucket seat, while holding a towel to the roof seam to keep rain from soaking my left shoulder, windows down in a downpour because the HVAC system couldn't keep up well enough to keep the windshield free of fog, head pressed firmly against the low roof, knees hitting the steering wheel, a smell of coolant permeating through the cabin whenever I'd stop for more than ten seconds?

Do you know how many years—how many miles—I've spent twenty minutes just getting dressed, donning layer upon layer of riding gear, prepared for an unwinnable battle not man vs man but man vs the elements, as I journeyed forth from a warm home into sub-freezing temps—only to arrive at my destination miserable, another twenty minutes of shedding layers, finding a place to put the soaked garments, knowing—dreading—that they'd be waiting for me when I returned?

Not to mention the constant dread that yet again I'll be left in misery in the wake of another stolen bike, an empty parking spot the sole, painful reminder of the emptiness growing inside me, a heart under seige by the world's cruelty.

A bit maudlin perhaps, but…

The nail that sticks out gets hammered, and for once I'd like to stop getting beaten down.

Don't judge me too harshly, we've got some new blood to carry the torch. Look to @Taylor-Martin for a stellar example of a young man reaching for the stars, or @gibbsemphasis, his offroad Camero is a blessing upon us. Then there's @sony1492's various projects which are about as inspirational as they come, and I'm sure one of these days @Landen-Genesis-Haysenhox will bewilder us all with tales of his new twin-turboed Genesis.

Someday we all must pass the torch, and I've found my "someday".

Well… without any further ado, here it is I guess!

Silver. Automatic. AWD. Exceptionally well-maintained. Not quite the thrilling buzzwords I've so loved to throw at you in the past, but… oppo. For my own sanity, I just need something simple.

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Mercedes-Benz R55 AMG enters the chat

I AIN'T DEAD YET BITCHES. THESE WORLD-WEARY EYES STILL HAVE A SPARK IN 'EM. THROW YOUR GLASSES IN THE AIR BECAUSE WE'RE POURING THE GOOD SHIT TONIGHT!

Let me introduce you to the absolute best worst car I've ever had. (it's in the picture above, too!)

The 5.0 V8 makes a respectable 300hp and 400ft-lbs of torque. Or at least it did, but given I have no intention of being passed by cyclists, I swapped in A MOTHER-FUCKING 5.4 LITER M113 V8 STRAIGHT OUTTA THE AMG FACTORY!*

*(Editors note: a drunk @AestheticsInMotion was overheard asking "why don't we just put gasoline in diesel engines to save on fuel costs? Why aren't we all talking about this?!" That's all you need to know about AIM's mechanical acumen, so thankfully @amgtech handled the swap over a few days)

The new beating heart is a masterpiece and a half. Germany's finest hand-assembled 5.4 liter V8 sits proudly in the bay of this well-appointed beast—ready and willing to lay down meaty strips of rubber wherever necessary. The exhaust note around town frightens children, and yet at highway speed it utterly disappears behind the cacoon of silence MB has crafted.

Stomp the gas pedal and the automatic takes the briefest second to hook up, before channeling gasoline into forward momentum at a rate that will leave you laughing like a madman.

At 5000 pounds and some change she's no Lotus, but this is one Mommy-mobile that punches well above it's weight class. Did I mention I'm averaging over 23 MPG after 550 miles of driving? 80% highway, sure—but that's PNW highway we're talking about so the majority of it was stop-and-go gridlock! Why is this V8 getting better mileage than every other car I've ever owned? AMG, what witchcraft is going on in your factories..?

Oh, handling. Yeah, it's about what you'd expect from a long wheelbase Mercedes-Benz. Composed at all times. Air suspension in the front and newer springs out back handles highways with aplomb, and gravel forest service roads lose all the harshness I've grown used to in all other vehicles. Overall the ride is very pleasant, surely aided by the three types (!) of sound deadening I've already found applied behind panels.

Quirks? Features? Sure, I'll indulge you. 2nd and 3rd row seats fold flat and my six-foot-something frame can sleep in the back without issue. And yes, this is 100% a plug for future posts, so uh… do comment your thoughts below!

Dual moonroofs make for an incredibly airy and open cabin, even with the tinted windows that I've spoken out against in the past. OEM roof bars and a beefy two inch hitch receptacle means I'll never want for outdoorsy capacity. The tailgate opens and closes with a press of the key fob, which excites me now about as much as my custom Fujitsubo RM-1A exhaust I had on the Miata did eight years ago. Am I adulting right?

With an AMG 55 engine shoved into the R500, we designated this an R55—which was never offered from the factory. The rear badges were updated accordingly—along with a few other Easter eggs—but otherwise @amgtech kept things pretty subtle, which I love.

Did I mention it's lifted on A/T tires? No..? It's lifted on A/T tires. Deal with it.

Speaking of things to deal with, how am I going to deal with the parking situation after adding the van to an already packed lot? editors note: if you've been following along, you know that this issue has recently solved itself! F*ck thieves!

How much will insurance be?

How will I ever financially recover from this?

Great questions!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a few BaT alerts that I'm finally ready to turn off. I'll leave you with some choice selections from the Discord chat of the past few weeks…

The damn thing is beautiful—wherever you look you see little IS500 design elements that accentuate what was already a fantastic exterior design in lesser trims.

Take the side mirrors—a sharp two-tone black and orange assembly bifurcated by a chrome strip, signal lights hidden within. Said chrome strip lines up with the headlight details, which themselves tie into the Lexus badge.

Then there's the V8-accommodating hood bulge—visible from inside—that adds some muscle, some visual heft to pair with the wide rear end.

On a body that's all about the flowing lines, Lexus resists the urge to screw with the formula, perfectly threading the needle between under- and over-styled in a way that is rarely seen.

That deep orange paint is the garnish on top. Necessary? No, not at all. It's an attention magnet, and deserving of that attention. The color dramatically changes shade in the light, as many Luxus colors are wont to do. Unlike Lexus's dissapointing Nori Green—which often is a flat, unappealing black outside of studio lighting—Orange retains it's saturation, it holds onto it's luster. It looks special. It feels special. It is special.

Not content to please the eyes alone, Lexus provides a sonic experience befitting the powerful, naturally aspirated sports sedan that it created.

Even at the break-in mandated rev limit, the V8 has this tight—almost compressed—mid-rangey roar that hints at the full aural onslaught to come. It's downright gutteral.

The car is good. Very good. Now about that front plate...

She's a midwife with a laundry list of medical experience. She said she kept feeling like she needed to be there helping people, and the feeling kept getting stronger and stronger.

From what I understand, she should have arrived in Ukraine today. "flight to Europe followed by an eight hour train ride" was how she put it. I have no idea if she has connections over there, is working with an agency of some kind, or is just... Looking for people to help. From our conversation I got the feeling that this isn't her first time stepping into a conflict zone to provide medical assistance.

Pretty cool neighbor. I'm looking forward to hearing more about her life when she gets back.

The Hayabusa was stolen last night. I'd say it hurts, but honestly, after so many stolen vehicles in such a short period of time I find myself handling the necessary tasks without much emotion.

If it turns up I'm not really sure what I'll do. I can't keep the bikes here, and I'm not adding a monthly storage cost. A buddy offered his garage which is great but... That adds a ton of hassle to motorcycle ownership I just don't want to deal with. He's twenty miles away.

I think this is as good a wake-up call as any that I should get back to penny-pinching and investing every last dime that doesn't go to bills. Focus less on things for the time being, and go all-in on my future. It's time to simplify and add lightness, but for my life.

Sorry @OhCrikeyTheRozzers, I was hoping to hold onto this bike for a long, long time.

The Husky will likely go up for sale sooner rather than later

Four choices to lead your deck in the game to end all games (expansion packs coming soon!)

Zoidcar
The most well-rounded leader for any deck. The Tacoma starts bare, but may skip it's turn at any time to attach either a canopy, a bed cover, or revert back to bare. Canopy: +2 capacity +2 weight, Bed Cover: +1 capacity, +1 weight

Super effective against: Depreciation
Weak against: Heated seat elitists, ice

Special attack: Cashout

The ultimate reset button. Sell the Tacoma and choose from your fleet a new leader for your deck (see alternate leader rules below). Draw one card for every turn cycle that has passed this game.

JeepOfFortLangley
With a static ability allowing it to ignore rough terrain, the Jeep is an effective leader on the board. Road noise contributes to a permanent -1 health debuff.

Super effective against: Tinder dates
Weak against: Ducks

Special attack: Support Battalion

Call in the troops! We need assistance! I repeat, assistance! Roll a D20.
1-5: You've been ducked! But you're all of of cargo space! Destroy one non-duck item on your board.
6-10: Tinder date has joined the fray! Draw a card from the "what's the worst that could happen?" deck.
11-15: Cars of Walnut Grove appears! Resupply, then Resupply again.
16-19: Add two Canadian allies of your choice to the board (see allies section for specific rules)
20: Jackpot—A Jeep club heard your cry! Good lord, it must be thirty strong! They pound their last beers, toss the shotguns in the passenger seat and wheel their way towards you over all manner of terrain. Restore your Jeep to full health. Destroy one terrain card on each opponents' board. Each opponent skips their next turn.

Defender - King of the High Road
The best, and nothing but the best. A great leader for any deck, albeit with a high initial cost. At the beginning of each turn roll a D20. If you roll a 1, draw a Repair Bill card. If you roll a 20, draw two from your deck.

Super effective against: The unwashed masses
Weak against: Guillotine

Special attack: Tip-me-over

An aggressive trail maneuver, the Defender comes across a high-risk path and is unwavering. A King shows no fear! Roll a D6.
1-5: Success! You've put terror deep into the hearts of the other so-called leaders. All other leaders go back three spaces
6: Rollover! Skip your next turn

Mommy Missile
A modified leader, with two special attacks at it's disposal. Luxury, speed, looks... You can have it all.

Super effective against: 00's era sports cars
Weak against: Noise regulations

Special attack: Coolant Cannon

Building pressure at the single plastic pipe within the engine bay, the R-class explosively channels all of it's energy into a single attack. Destroy any one item on an opponents board. After initiating Coolant Cannon, send the R-class directly to the Mercedes-Benz Repair Facility and draw a Repair Bill card.

Special attack: Trump Card

"Hear me out, I had this crazy idea. What if we..."

Flip two coins.
2 heads: "So I was wondering if you could maybe install a..." install one upgrade
2 tails: "hey, uh... That's not supposed to happen is it..?" Draw a repair bill card
1 heads, 1 tails: "smooth sailing baby!" Move forward one space

Prefer a different look for your deck leader? Each win allows you choose one new IMAGE from the options below.

I met up with a buddy from the window washing era, and caught up after a few years apart. Looking back at the shit we did it's a miracle I'm standing (sitting) here writing (touch-typing) this.

You couldn't pay me $10,000 to do some of the things I did back then to successfully complete a job. Quite to the contrary, I'd happily divest myself of such a princely sum just to be free of the lingering aches that accompany me to this day—courtesy of numerous OSHA-defying mishaps.

Such is the power of being an indestructible young man. Even a knee-cap shattering slip off a wet roof didn't crack that facade of absolute permanence & invulnerability. Further years of experience were necessary to finally get past that stage—and for better or worse I'd say that mental shift more than anything signified the true threshold into adulthood.

Sure was fun while it lasted though.

Worked for FBI Special Agents that appeared as normal as white bread, had Microsoft founders serenade me, one of the wealthiest women on the planet would leave a guard with my team despite years of quarterly cleanings, visited MLB players' homes with shrines to baseball in their basement, broke bread with the disgruntled heir of the Oberto family in a sitcom-like shared living space hidden deep within the woods, had a good relationship with multiple Red Robin C-level execs handing out gift cards like beads at Mardi Gras, witnessed a father leaving his lake-front home to pickup his kids from school... In a freakin' helicopter.

Not bad for a company that started with a bucket and rags, walking door to door.

Longtime listeners might recall the ongoing "Sink or Swim" posts of many years ago—a sink-themed progenitor to @exage03040's awesome "This or That. I miss being exposed to the excess that was wealthy-person bathroom design.

Of the below options, which would you pick and which would you bar from ever appearing in a home again?

And of course, the best part of the whole job.

Cats.

So. Many. Cats.

Thanks for strolling through memory lane with me, oppo!

At the beginning of 2020.

I've never shared this with oppo.

2019 was an interesting year. I was fired from what I considered at the time to be a good job. What followed were months spent bouncing around.

I apprenticed as a tile guy in a non-union position for a few months. The pay wasn't great, but it passed the time and as I told myself—tiling was a relevant skill. I could renovate my bathroom at long last! Yeah... It wasn't long before 50 mile commutes in the Miata took their toll on me. Between that and the physical demands of the job that I was struggling to keep up with, I had to walk away.

I spent a week washing windows again for my old boss—but I couldn't live with the feeling that I'd just regressed back to six years prior, with little to show for it.

So—with dwindling funds—I purchased a laptop. With an uncharacteristically sunny Seattle June, I spent every day out and about networking. Coffee shops, parks, gyms... Everywhere was fair game. I was a shark, and small business owners my prey. The sweet spot was single crew to three crew operations. These outfits were generally run by an older guy who had done well enough to have a successful business, but didn't have the knowledge necessary to push the company to the next step where growth really takes off.

See, I'd put together three pretty slick advertising packages. Different tiers, if you will.

Cut through the BS, and it was just basic marketing tools. Buy a domain, make a a company email address, create a modern website. Join and be active on social media. Engage with people online. Advertise, advertise, advertise. Automate schedules, maintenance, and every other piece of low-hanging fruit that can push growth and remove the opportunity for human error.

$999.99 and I'd set up the basics.

$1999.99 and I'd do the basic plan plus head a full advertising campaign on Google, and FB, along with design vinyl wraps for company vehicles and more tradition physical advertising methods, such as yard signs.

$3499.99 would get you the premium plan (basic - premium - premium plus. Where's my oppo card?) plus teach an optomized hiring process, set the company up with various timekeeping, scheduling, payroll apps, and create a 5 year plan based on company goals.

Not a single client went with the "basic" plan.

Slightly over two months of this, I walked away with just over $20k. I sold the company to a former employer for half that, and without a career of any kind, flew off to Asia with a friend for two weeks. What I didn't tell him was that I had neither purchased a return ticket, nor was I planning on coming back with him.

Two weeks went by and my friend returned home. I decided to leave Tokyo and head back to Bangkok, where my remaining money would stretch about twice as long.

A drunken hookup led to a relationship of sorts with a wealthy Thai woman. I was deeply entrenched in a for-the-love-of-god-do-not-think-about-the-future mentality, so... I hung out in Bangkok for awhile. Bouncing around between airbnb's and hotels, I spent a lot of time exploring some of the best nightlife in the world with my new "girlfriend". She also paid for literally everything, which uh.... Was equally unsettling and appreciated by my wallet. Somehow in the span of a few months, I'd gone from middle-management, to a skilled trade, to an entrepreneur, to unemployed with a sugar momma. She tried to talk me into staying permanently, getting a job as a teacher. Probably wouldn't have been a bad life...

Alas, I started getting restless and flew off to a tropical Thai island. Hiking, hanging out with wild cats, exploring the reefs... If your goal is to escape, well, everything, you couldn't ask for much more.

Eventually though I ran low on cash, and the part of my brain that I'd been silencing for months broke through—admonishing me to think about my future. The clock was running down and I had no job, no money, a home I hadn't seen in months, and I needed to do something—anything—to progress my life.

I flew home.

Back to the normal life. Depression came roaring back, with nothing but weekly hikes holding the crushing waves at bay. Well, it was more the person I was hiking with. A few months pass, and things went sour between us. Your mind does a wonderful job of smoothing over pain, and for that I'm thankful because the next few months were the lowest point in my life. Motivation and health dropped inverse to depression. I stayed in, saw nobody outside of the few days a week I worked.

Work. My job as a delivery driver was a constant source of frustration. I desperately wanted out, but the fog was thick and I could see no better options.

December, 2019. I vividly recall flipping a coin. Heads, I leave my job and summit Mt. Rainier the next day. While I was a strong hiker, I lacked any alpine experience, let alone gear. Attempting this in the heart of winter... Well. A flip of a coin is why I'm here now writing this.

Tails.

Join the military. The closest thing I could imagine to the fresh start I desired so greatly.

I chose the Air Force.

With help from a fellow oppo, I settled some legal issues and began the application process. For a month straight I trained body and mind—newfound purpose lighting a fire that had been out for far too long.

Character references were contacted without issue. Interviews were aced. Aptitude tests left me with my destiny as an airman in my own hands. I signed, shook my recruiters hand, and walked away with a massive weight off my shoulders. I had a future lined up.

Then came Covid-19, with the first known US outbreak happening in my city, just miles from my home.

I'd transfered to a new group within the overarching umbrella of my greater company, and the shift was huge for my mental state.

With Covid becoming more and more of a problem, the Air Force shut down training facilities. I was still in touch with my recruiter, and one day he sent an email asking me to re-submit a document. A minor clerical issue, but it was apparently enough to keep me out until fixed.

I spent a lot of time weighing my options.

In the end, I never responded to the recruiter.

Mere weeks later I was promoted to junior management following unprecedented growth in the shipping and e-commerce industries. Another two months and senior management was mine for the taking, a full 44 months earlier than the jump would have occurred during normal times.

As the chaos grew, so too did opportunities for advancement.

I still think about the life I would have had in the Air Force, but at the end of the day I'm happy with my choices and the personal growth I've achieved.

I can say with confidence that the loss of a job will never again hurt me in any way other than monetarily, because I've learned that for me at least, the only battle is the internal one, and I can't lose if I never admit defeat.

Merry Christmas oppo. Thanks for all the help through the years. May 2021 be a year full of growth—in whatever way you need.

They must have left the camera on the top shelf.

Had a complaint come in today. Homeowner says he has Ring cam video of one of my drivers walking up to the door with the package, putting a door tag* on a door without knocking, and leaving with the package. Hmm, okay. There is literally zero reason even a terrible driver would ever do this but you've got my attention.

*Door tags are a sticky note you scan and leave on a door when a delivery that requires a signature cannot be delivered, due to nobody answering the door, or no one of legal age being present to sign for alcohol, orrrrrr if someone of legal age doesn't have an ID to scan

I talk to the driver. Very dependable guy, no marks against his service record or character in his time here. Driver states he both knocked and rung the doorbell. Driver as well as the other driver who does this route (7 day operation, need at least two drivers per route) both claim that they are almost never able to deliver signature items to this address, as nobody answers.

I call the customer back.

"Can you send me the ring cam footage please? I'd like to verify the identity of the driver who was at your home yesterday."

Oh, now it's your neighbor's camera that caught this event, and not yours. Well that's not what you wrote in the complaint. Oh, and now you're saying the driver did knock, but he didn't ring the doorbell? For one, that would completely invalidate the complaint, two—these are important details that are changing.

I don't imagine I'll receive any footage from this "neighbor" (rural area, I highly doubt a neighbor's camera would have seen anything) but I went out of my way to offer a two hour delivery window today for a second attempt. Customer said he'd be home and waiting.

Driver will be knocking, ringing the doorbell, calling the customer... And I've told him to record himself doing all of this. If I get another "driver didn't attempt" claim that will be enough evidence to blacklist the guy from future deliveries—he can pick his packages up.

From years of dealing with this, I can say with pretty high certainty that the driver did everything by the books, and the homeowner either didn't hear the door, or didn't get to it quickly enough. Shit happens, this is why it's policy to make three attempts on signature service items before escalation. What's not cool is trying to make up a BS video claim that if believed could negatively impact someone's job.

I'd say I'm annoyed to have my time wasted, but truthfully I enjoy these investigations. It's been a good work day so far, we've got a little going away party for a driver moving on to another job later in the afternoon that should be fun too.

Hope everyone's Wednesday is going okay!

@musashi66 just wait until they reveal the bottom half and we realize it's a plastic-clad 4 door crossover-coupe

@CarsOfFortLangley are these all the times you've pilfered from the curator fund? Bold of you to save a record

@Nicky-Chagrin-Janitor-of-SHIELD I was going to say I watched the last one in theater and it was one of the worst things I've ever seen... But I realized I mixed up series. That was Rambo, not Rocky.

@MUSASHI66 I was thinking about this earlier, is there another series of movies that made it to 4 without seriously dropping off a cliff?

@sampsonite24 that is incredible! Congratulations! Is this a local job or will you need to relocate?

@jminer said in One Million Posts of OPPO!!!!:

'Cool Minivan' which has been typed in 553 times!

I'm honored

Iceland's Ring road on a Norden 901 Expedition. Full heated gear. Go with two buddies on adventure bikes. Take our time.

European Alps with a Ducati and similarly sized group is also up there.

I am neutral on this, so I'll share a different take instead. Disturbed did "Land of Confusion" waaaay better than Genesis.

@facw that's like someone saying they want an NA Miata and you point them towards a 2017 Mazda6

Ford needs to drop that AWD manual V8 Mustang already

@SSfancy said in Bright enough?:

@ttyymmnn

The Q7 I drive has excellent headlights. I love when people flash me thinking I’m running with high beams and I respond with the light of a thousand suns.

It’s very cruel and elitist and brings me great maniacal joy.

This happens with my motorcycle quite frequently as well. It does feel good.