As many of you know, I've wanted a fuel efficient commuter to reliably get me to and from work in comfort, without any drama during the wet and dreary Seattle winter. Basically, I wanted the absolute antithesis to the last ten vehicles I've purchased.
I'm almost thirty. I'm tired of the struggle. I just want to open the door, turn the key, and go. No drama. No crazy stories. I want to be boring, dammit! Give me a souless appliance, an A-to-B washing machine-on-wheels, a monochromatic blob to blend in with the masses, stuck right with them in the grinding morning commute, ticking down the hours of my life heading back home just to do it all again the next day. Rinse and repeat.
Do you know how many years I commuted with a 5-point harness in an FIA-approved bucket seat, while holding a towel to the roof seam to keep rain from soaking my left shoulder, windows down in a downpour because the HVAC system couldn't keep up well enough to keep the windshield free of fog, head pressed firmly against the low roof, knees hitting the steering wheel, a smell of coolant permeating through the cabin whenever I'd stop for more than ten seconds?
Do you know how many years—how many miles—I've spent twenty minutes just getting dressed, donning layer upon layer of riding gear, prepared for an unwinnable battle not man vs man but man vs the elements, as I journeyed forth from a warm home into sub-freezing temps—only to arrive at my destination miserable, another twenty minutes of shedding layers, finding a place to put the soaked garments, knowing—dreading—that they'd be waiting for me when I returned?
Not to mention the constant dread that yet again I'll be left in misery in the wake of another stolen bike, an empty parking spot the sole, painful reminder of the emptiness growing inside me, a heart under seige by the world's cruelty.
A bit maudlin perhaps, but…
The nail that sticks out gets hammered, and for once I'd like to stop getting beaten down.
Don't judge me too harshly, we've got some new blood to carry the torch. Look to @Taylor-Martin for a stellar example of a young man reaching for the stars, or @gibbsemphasis, his offroad Camero is a blessing upon us. Then there's @sony1492's various projects which are about as inspirational as they come, and I'm sure one of these days @Landen-Genesis-Haysenhox will bewilder us all with tales of his new twin-turboed Genesis.
Someday we all must pass the torch, and I've found my "someday".
Well… without any further ado, here it is I guess!
Silver. Automatic. AWD. Exceptionally well-maintained. Not quite the thrilling buzzwords I've so loved to throw at you in the past, but… oppo. For my own sanity, I just need something simple.
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Mercedes-Benz R55 AMG enters the chat
I AIN'T DEAD YET BITCHES. THESE WORLD-WEARY EYES STILL HAVE A SPARK IN 'EM. THROW YOUR GLASSES IN THE AIR BECAUSE WE'RE POURING THE GOOD SHIT TONIGHT!
Let me introduce you to the absolute best worst car I've ever had. (it's in the picture above, too!)
The 5.0 V8 makes a respectable 300hp and 400ft-lbs of torque. Or at least it did, but given I have no intention of being passed by cyclists, I swapped in A MOTHER-FUCKING 5.4 LITER M113 V8 STRAIGHT OUTTA THE AMG FACTORY!*
*(Editors note: a drunk @AestheticsInMotion was overheard asking "why don't we just put gasoline in diesel engines to save on fuel costs? Why aren't we all talking about this?!" That's all you need to know about AIM's mechanical acumen, so thankfully @amgtech handled the swap over a few days)
The new beating heart is a masterpiece and a half. Germany's finest hand-assembled 5.4 liter V8 sits proudly in the bay of this well-appointed beast—ready and willing to lay down meaty strips of rubber wherever necessary. The exhaust note around town frightens children, and yet at highway speed it utterly disappears behind the cacoon of silence MB has crafted.
Stomp the gas pedal and the automatic takes the briefest second to hook up, before channeling gasoline into forward momentum at a rate that will leave you laughing like a madman.
At 5000 pounds and some change she's no Lotus, but this is one Mommy-mobile that punches well above it's weight class. Did I mention I'm averaging over 23 MPG after 550 miles of driving? 80% highway, sure—but that's PNW highway we're talking about so the majority of it was stop-and-go gridlock! Why is this V8 getting better mileage than every other car I've ever owned? AMG, what witchcraft is going on in your factories..?
Oh, handling. Yeah, it's about what you'd expect from a long wheelbase Mercedes-Benz. Composed at all times. Air suspension in the front and newer springs out back handles highways with aplomb, and gravel forest service roads lose all the harshness I've grown used to in all other vehicles. Overall the ride is very pleasant, surely aided by the three types (!) of sound deadening I've already found applied behind panels.
Quirks? Features? Sure, I'll indulge you. 2nd and 3rd row seats fold flat and my six-foot-something frame can sleep in the back without issue. And yes, this is 100% a plug for future posts, so uh… do comment your thoughts below!
Dual moonroofs make for an incredibly airy and open cabin, even with the tinted windows that I've spoken out against in the past. OEM roof bars and a beefy two inch hitch receptacle means I'll never want for outdoorsy capacity. The tailgate opens and closes with a press of the key fob, which excites me now about as much as my custom Fujitsubo RM-1A exhaust I had on the Miata did eight years ago. Am I adulting right?
With an AMG 55 engine shoved into the R500, we designated this an R55—which was never offered from the factory. The rear badges were updated accordingly—along with a few other Easter eggs—but otherwise @amgtech kept things pretty subtle, which I love.
Did I mention it's lifted on A/T tires? No..? It's lifted on A/T tires. Deal with it.
Speaking of things to deal with, how am I going to deal with the parking situation after adding the van to an already packed lot? editors note: if you've been following along, you know that this issue has recently solved itself! F*ck thieves!
How much will insurance be?
How will I ever financially recover from this?
Great questions!
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a few BaT alerts that I'm finally ready to turn off. I'll leave you with some choice selections from the Discord chat of the past few weeks…