Oppo, I need your help (Long Post/Vent)
Krusty Walnut last edited by
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer Love for my father and mother, determination, exercise. I'm the oldest in my family so that idea that I would have to step up one day to lead the family was expected. It happened a lot sooner than what I thought it would happen. I would also say that finding people to talk to helped. But you have to find what works for you. We are all wired differently and what you might respond to will be different. Talking to people seems like the universal thing that helps. Last thing I'll say is that time always moves on regardless of the situation. You're going through a rough patch right now but it will pass someday.
Vondon302 last edited by
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer Hang in there it was rough on me when I was 38 so can't imagine what it feels like for you. Burnout is real so take care of yourself and your Mom. We're here if you need to vent. Cheers man.
pip bip last edited by
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer that sucks to hear about your father, hang in there. don't stress.
Italia last edited by
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer the big thing that helped me was getting the whole family onboard. This was twenty years ago and diagnosis wasn't really a thing back then and the family members that didn't see him every day didn't believe it. Once everyone could see what was happening and talk about it openly it made it easier to deal with logistics. Communication was really key. Make sure you prepare yourself for their eventual passing and it will still be hard but it will be more of a glad they are at rest instead of just a body with no mind in the end. Sometimes it is quick and other times there can be years of not recognizing anyone.
@Svend heya Svend, thanks. It’s been so long since I’d last seen or heard from you, and it’s good to see you again.
I feel that’s why it’s been so hard for me to open up about this to others. Of course, it’s destructive for the individual suffering from it, but I often feel no one realizes or cares to acknowledge how it’s affecting those directly involved with it. And it’s hard to bring friends and family around due to feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment should something happen while they’re there. It’s moreso trickier to be mindful of it being him but not him on the bad days now and moving forward.
Mum and I had a chat this morning before work about looking into resources, support groups, and home care and the sort while we still have the time before things get worse. I know it’s coming, and we need to be as ready as we can be. The guilt and resentment as things progress will no doubt be my greatest challenge to overcome, but I want to hope I’ll be able to make it through.
Thanks again for your encouraging words, and I hope to see more of your renowned detailing too.
@WildlyMild thank you for sharing your experience and words. We talked about coming up with a proper plan of readiness and action this morning and we’re going to take the steps to get the ball rolling on that this weekend.
@farscythe oh, it’s no trouble at all. I hadn’t even read it before it was deleted. So no worries at all.
it’s hard to bring friends and family around due to feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment should something happen while they’re there. It’s more so trickier to be mindful of it being him but not him on the bad days now and moving forward.
From the above, don't feel awkward or embarrassed about having people round.
Let visitors know ahead of time the situation and in the off chances they aren't aware of Alzheimer's and what happens, give them a heads up of what may happen and what you need of them to do should your father have a bad turn but ultimately while for some they will find it difficult to handle, it is the situation you and your mother are dealing with daily and should never feel awkward or embarrassed for caring for someone in great need.
If they are friends and family, they will understand.
As to guilt and resentment, get that out your head. At times like these we all feel like we could do more or things different.
@pip-bip I'm stressed almost all of the time, but I'm hanging in there.
@RallyWrench ours has been immobile for at least four years, and on stands for two of them.
I'm happy you sought out treatment. I've been there many times before and even if it hasn't always helped all the time, it has made things easier at times. Good on you for taking the time to take care of yourself. I'll try to be around more often and hopefully we'll chat more in the future.
@Svend I'll do my best. Openning up to a few closest friends was anxious challenge and I was able to overcome that. Perhaps I'll slowly work up to being even more open about it.
Getting the guilt and resentment out of my head will require a great deal of work, but I'm willing to work through it.
Thank you again.
tae last edited by
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer I lament this is happening to you. My grandmother has had it for seven years now, with a sharp decline in cognition ever since May 2020 when she had stroke.
I'll be quite frank with you... It is a huge burden at pretty much any stage. My grandmother requires professional care now, but I did notice everything that had to be done to accomodate her disease as it progressed. You say it is thankless too, and I can understand that. A friend of mine who cared for her grandmother until her death said it was like the opposite of childcare: there's just a lot of sacrifice and in the end there's just decay.
Perspective is important. I can't help but to disagree about the dignity of death... Is it really a "thing"? Either all death is dignified or no death is. For me, personally, all death is dignified. It is, after all, a process by which things change. It is painful, distressful, it causes a lot of anxiety and impotence... But it is dignified because it is inevitable. If we can't choose something why should it be undignified?
Caring for your father through this process of decaying cognition may be thankless, but it is also something you do because you believe in the dignity of death and the dignity of his soul. Surely, it is something that causes you a lot of anxiety and distress... and it is OK to address it... You are not made of stone. Additionally, there will be a time when you can't take care of him, and it is OK to recognize that you can't on your own. Be it because of time, lack of qualifications, or because you can't bear it emotionally. You don't have to sacrifice everything to show that you respect and love him. Just try to measure your limits.
chan last edited by chan
@K-Roll-PorscheTamer Taking care of a thankless family member, especially one who once gave you priceless parental love, can be soul-crushing. And especially because all roads quite certainly lead to the same outcome. Losing agency over your personal life is scary indeed.
I have no advice nor any profoundly comforting words other than to get as much help as you can find and afford, and beyond that just do what you can. Try not to beat yourself up too hard over something that isn't your fault.
Seems like you had already been unknowingly dealing with this problem since the Kinja days, doesn't it.
For whatever it's worth, we're here to try to help you fight the good fight. Whatever decreases your (you and your mom) workload is worth considering.