The Oppomobile and The KinjaKar

[Taylor Martin]

An hour or two ago I opened up the floor to suggestions on what an Oppositelock car would look like, and the results were interesting. A few of you shot me some suggestions and it gave me the framework to craft the perfect car, one that showcased the best of Oppo. But in order to see if it was a good car (which obviously it was) I needed a comparison. So I’ve built two cars: The Oppomobile being us, and the KinjaKar being the evil overlords of G/O.

The Oppomobile

The first suggestion I got was station wagon, and it turned into P1800 with a crown vic grille. Rally lights and rally suspension for all our rally enthusiasts, and the practicality of a pig (bad). But wait? It’s a station wagon? It must be practical, right? Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, because the trunk is already filled by the engine.

Powering this beast is a 377 horsepower 12 cylinder engine, mated with a 5-speed manual. The gas mileage is 7, the comfort rating is 0, but the production rating is 69 (which is okay in game standards). In fact, any number slider was slid to the funny number because why not, and every quality slider sits at -15. Oh, and to add to the impracticality, it rides on sports compound tires.

Safety? None. Power steering? Little. Brakes? The biggest and most powerful drums I could get. Though I decided it should seat six, a bench seat in the front and the back, because bench seats are cool.

Also, it runs on low-quality fuel, because so do we.

I completely agree that this is the perfect Oppo car, it mixes all our tastes into one weird contraption. But then we have the antithesis:

The KinjaKar

This is what Herb drives. It’s corporate. It’s dull. It’s an inline 4 cylinder that produces 130 horsepower paired with a 6-speed auto. It nearly put me to sleep.

There’s nothing cool about this car, it gets 18mpg and has FWD because that’s what all the cool automakers are doing. But the infotainment system is premium... though the quality of it is set to -15 and is prone to breaking all the time.

The Oppomobile costs 5,000 units dollars to build, whereas the KinjaKar is double, though the AI actually likes the KinjaKar (it falls under the Sport Utility demographic).

We, obviously, shouldn’t like the KinjaKar, but to see which one is better, I’m going to throw them into a few tests, and then rate them in certain aspects. We’ll start with:

Handling:

Let’s star with the Oppomobile, because despite the high horsepower and the low quality steering, it refuses to go sideways. In fact, it’s so bottom heavy, that despite it’s enormous ride height it never teetered or tipped...

Well... it did here... but I managed to recover it.

Turning radius is really bad. Like, shockingly bad. The grip is good though, that’s nice.

Braking is also bad, though not as shocking because of the terrible brakes I had installed. Those stats later.

The KinjaKar is quite the opposite. For a boring crossover it’s pretty twitchy, at least handling wise. The throttle was nothing to sneeze over, but when I so much as tapped the joystick on my Xbox 360 USB controller the car wanted to turn. Never lost any grip, and never toppled over. It barely even leaned.

Oppomobile: 60 0 in 4.89 seconds.

Overall Rating: 7. It didn’t do anything uncontrollable or skittish, but it barely turned. Felt ridiculously heavy, heavier than the Kinja car... which is heavier... Also, wasn’t all that exciting.

KinjaKar: 60 to 0 in 3.08 seconds

Overall Rating: 6. While the Oppomobile wasn’t very exciting, the KinjaKar made it look like a rockstar. Sure, the KinjaKar’s handling was stiff and predictable, and more responsive than the Oppomobile, but the acceleration was dismal and dreary. As is the car itself. Speaking of acceleration:

Speed:

Obviously, the Oppomobile is faster, the horsepower figures say so, but I wanted to see how much faster. So, I threw both the cars into BeamNG and took them around the Hirochi Raceway (Medium Race Circuit) and recorded some times.

If I had a way to record I would, because the Oppomobile’s engine sounds magnificent. Low rumbling idle and then a revvy roar at the top of its 5700rpm band. This is likely because the thing doesn’t have mufflers, because neither do we

Meanwhile, the Kinja car just sort of... drove the lap... Results below.

Oppomobile: 1:42.161

0-60: 7.5 seconds.

KinjaKar: 1:54.325

0 to 60: 12 seconds flat.

That lap time is surprisingly close, especially when you compare the Oppos 377 horsepower to the Kinja’s 130. But it’s the Oppomobile’s handling that brought its lap time down so much. If it had really good steering (I threw on hydraulic) then maybe it would’ve cranked out a better lap.

But there is one more thing I’d like to test, just because the Oppomobile should be ridiculously good at it and the KinjaKar... well... not so much...

Offroad:

There’s a an offroad race track map, with jumps and bumps, so we’re going to take each car around it, see which is faster, and then give them an overall dirt rating.

The Oppomobile has a towering ride height that makes and and every rock a pebble, whereas the KinjaKar is lower, and FWD. It shouldn’t come as a surprise when I tell you the Oppomobile handled well, very well in fact, but what should surprise you is that the KinjaKar did too.

Oppomobile: 52.817

Overall Dirt Rating: 10. This thing flew around every corner it was given, and landed every jump with ease. Offroad is where the Oppomobile shines, excels, demolishes every other offroad car in existence. It looks the part with the rally lights, but it acts the part in handling.

KinjaKar: 1:09.549

Overall Dirt Rating: 8. Surprisingly more fun in banked corners and dirt than I thought it would be. The handling was just fine, good enough for what we needed, and even though it crashed hard on the landings, it kept on chugging.

Conclusion:

Both cars work, but for very different reasons. The KinjaKar is safe, practical, corporate. It drives fine, about as fine as you need a 5 seat SUV to drive, and eats up the cracks in the pavement enough where you won’t break your back on long road trips.

The Oppomobile isn’t swell on the track, but it’s handling on the dirt is like no other. It’s planted, nippy, and sounds glorious. It’s also aesthetically pleasing, it’s visually exciting, and above all else, it has a soul.

And that’s what we are too, the soul. We’re the ones who laugh at pictures of VOOVs and go crazy and like cars. Are our tastes perfect? Nah. Are they practical? Well, sometimes.

I hope you enjoyed this. Here's to Oppo and the community being cooler than those losers in suits

[spacekraken]

This is excellent in all ways!
Though, I do wonder if hydraulic steering and lower suspension would fit "our" car a bit better-seems a bit too tall lol! Maybe air suspension for peak allroad style unreliability?

[AdverseMartyr]

I would have thought the Oppomobile would be more square on the back end.

[Wacko]

Does the oppo car have 2 penises on the rear?

[Taylor Martin]

@wacko For extra power, of course.

[Taylor Martin]

@adversemartyr It could've been, but then it just would've looked like an American wagon with a funny paint job.

[Taylor Martin]

@spacekraken Someone suggested rally suspension so I used rally suspensions to get it as high as possible. Still wouldn't topple, the thing is perfectly balanced.

[Old Busted Hotness]

You need to seal up the rear hatch on the KinjaKar, because it won't load.

And the info screen only plays ads and can't be shut off.

[sony1492]

@taylor-martin throughly enjoyed this, in regard to lap times, if you ain't first your last