Eggnog Review: Fireball Non-Alcoholic Cinnamon Holiday Nog

[Qaaaaa]

Lately, when I go to the store, I've been grabbing a different bottle of eggnog each time and doing silly short reviews for my girlfriend and cat. I wrote one up for boredom's sake- here it is.

I picked up a quart of Fireball cinnamon eggnog at Wal-Mart a week and a half ago. As is tradition, I tasted a little bit in the parking lot before going home, and was not impressed, hence why I have taken so long to revisit it. I'll be grading it on a few entirely subjective categories- packaging, scent, consistency, taste, appearance, and overall value.

First off, packaging. In my opinion, there are only two valid ways of packaging a quart of store bought eggnog- one being a rectangular cardboard container with a milk jug style cap in it, the other being a reusable glass container. This nog came in the former, with the now common plastic seal you can pull off with one finger. I'm generally not a fan of this type of seal, since I don't think they're recyclable, but my understanding is that they're mandatory, so I will not dock them for it. The print on the carton is traditional Fireball, red devil on a black background. You know what you're in for when you see this guy. I give the packaging 10/10. Now onto the drinking part.

When you pour it, one thing is immediately clear- this brew is much too thin. It's nearly milk thin. Swirling it around the glass, this poor consistency is more apparent- it easily runs back down to the bottom of the glass. 2/10.

The scent reminds me of being an undergraduate. I don't smell very much creaminess or nuttiness- just cinnamon. And it smells artificial, like most cinnamon flavored things. 0/10. If you're one of those people who like Fireball (why?), you may enjoy this- although, I don't think I've ever met a Fireball enthusiast who pours themselves a glass and enjoys it over an evening- only ever shots or straight from bottle to throat.

Taste... oh boy. If someone were to take a whole carton of redhots and chew them up, and spit their saliva into a cup, then mix that with any cheap eggnog, it would be pretty close to this. Aside- I have a friend who works at a large alcohol distillery. He let me in on a little trade secret of the alcohol industry: most of the high volume liquor brands do not produce alcohols in-house. Rather, they buy straight grain alcohol from a distillery, have it shipped to their manufacturing, and then add their own signature dyes and flavoring syrups, plus water, to make a sellable alcohol. I imagine this eggnog was made in the same way- Fireball, or whoever made this for them, bought a large quantity of generic eggnog, then added that magical Fireball syrup to it. For their efforts, they get a 4/10. The base is recognizably eggnog, but I really can't tell if it's good or not.

Last up, appearance. When I pour a glass of eggnog, there's two things I like to see, aside from visible thickness. I like to see a nice creamy color that's neither too white nor artificially yellow. I also like to see flecks of what could be nutmeg suspended throughout. The color of this one is pretty much spot on to what I like. Fleckwise, it also seems well spiced. However, since it's much too thin, the solids settle to the bottom of the glass in short order, leaving me fleckless. I'll still give it an 8/10.

Score: 24/50. My verdict? I will not buy this again. My go-to "liquor flavored" eggnog remains the SoCo that comes in a black bottle. I've already been through two cartons of it this month and will be out for more whenever I go to the store again. The Fireball, however, misses the mark of what a good eggnog should be- less a Fireball flavored eggnog, I think this is an eggnog flavored Fireball. But for three bucks a quart, I don't see why you shouldn't buy some yourself, just to try it out.

[pos_camaro]

@qaaaaa I don't think I've seen this one. I have been known to spike regular store-bought nog with Fireball so I'm disappointed that it's not that great. I do, however, have some high octane home made stuff aging in fridge that will help sooth the disappointment.

[Qaaaaa]

@pos_camaro It's really not good. I'm not even going to finish this glass.

The bottle says to mix one part Fireball with two parts of this, I really can't imagine how that would taste. Warm, at least.

[pos_camaro]

@qaaaaa That's pretty heavy on the Fireball. It's not great tasting (at least to me) by itself so I don't think I'd be doing that. Our homemade has bourbon (101 proof), rum and cognac in it so it will keep you warm even if the eggnog is nice and cold.

[MM54]

I do love eggnog. I usually get the southern comfort branded stuff in the carton. I've never actually put alcohol in it, just drink it as-is. It's excellent.

[Qaaaaa]

@mm54 I've mixed the SoCo one and a few others I've bought with whatever whiskies I've had laying around (some Tulamore Dew, Jim Beam). It's hard to get a ratio that tastes good. I do need to try my hand at making some from stratch, pre-boozed.

[Chariotoflove]

@qaaaaa
Southern Comfort is in my fridge right now too. Sometimes I mix it with milk for actual drinking instead of sipping. Real egg nog from scratch is much thinner, but I like the artificially thickened stuff.

[nowhere]

My wife loves eggnog, I like having it maybe once a year. I live in Canada so all the containers have both French and English on the labels. I had been seeing those cartons every year my whole life and then suddenly last year for, the first time I realized that the French label said "Chicken Milk"

[SmugAardvark]

If it's half as bad as regular Fireball, it'll be a hard pass for me.

If I'm making egg nog, I just buy a carton of the regular stuff, then add my own booze. And if I'm drinking Fireball in anything other than hot apple cider, it's time to come put me to bed, as I've obviously imbibed way too much and thought drinking extra-cheap whiskey with sugar syrup was an acceptable solution to anything.

[kiltedpadre]

@qaaaaa
This sounds terrible, but I’m not a fireball fan so that’s not surprising.

I typically get a couple bottles of the Evan Williams alcoholic egg nog each year but haven’t yet.

If you really want to hate yourself get a carton of the Peeps egg nog. From your description you may find the consistency more appealing.

[i86hotdogs]

@qaaaaa Fireball for me tastes like heartburn. I have heartburn already thanks to my unhealthy habits, therefore I do not like Fireball. I have tried this nog befoe, and it tastes like milky heartburn to me.

Most mass produced nogs do nothing for me. I am team local dairy farm nog from here on out. The thiccer the better

[Qaaaaa]

@chariotoflove I don’t think I’ve ever actually had real home made stuff. My assumption was that it was thicker than milk, though.

@nowhere that’s funny. I don’t know if it’s inaccurate. My sister’s fluent in French, and loves eggnog. If she hasn’t made that connection yet she’ll get a kick out of it.

@kiltedpadre I’ll pass on that one. I don’t think I’ve seen that in person but I imagine it tastes like Peeps, so... not great.

[Qaaaaa]

@i86hotdogs there’s a local egg farm that has a “real” eggnog kinda close to me. They’ve been sold out every time I’ve gone to grab some. I’m making another attempt tomorrow...

[kiltedpadre]

@qaaaaa Where is this local egg nog?? If not too far I may have to try and grab some?

The peeps egg nog tastes basically like you melted a bunch of marshmallows then mixed in a touch of sugar and eggnog. I only tried it because one of my old neighbors was a Prairie Farms delivery driver and he had extra samples of it for his route. I have seen peeps milk at Easter time (also terrible) at Kroger, but I’ve never seen anyone selling the egg nog.

I plan to make homemade next year. I was going to do it this year but we ordered a new fridge at one point and were trying to limit how much we kept in the old one.

[Qaaaaa]

@kiltedpadre Bushel and a Peck out in Clayton. Their site says it's from Homestead Creamery which is in VA, so not local I guess. But it comes in a glass bottle, so it must be good.

As far as making homemade, you know you can make eggnog any time of year, right?

[kiltedpadre]

@qaaaaa Yes, I’m aware of that, but I’m very much a believer in keeping things in the season where they belong. I eat peeps at Easter, but even though you can now get peeps for every major holiday I don’t partake.
Egg nog is best in front of a roaring fire with a lit tree somewhere in the vicinity.

Now kindly remove yourself from my courtyard and let me return to having a heated discussion with the clouds.

[TexturedSoyProtein]

Egg nog is one of those things that makes no sense except as a vehicle for booze, because who the hell would voluntarily drink nasty melted custard if there wasn't booze in it?

[Qaaaaa]

@texturedsoyprotein It's tasty

[Chariotoflove]

@qaaaaa It is thicker than milk, just not as thick as most store-bought stuff.

[TexturedSoyProtein]

@qaaaaa It's been almost 25 years since I've voluntarily drank any variation of dairy milk. It's ghastly. I started hating it in high school and then in my 20s I became increasingly lactose intolerant. I'll have ice cream products with a lactaid pill, and some non-dairy milk on cereal every now and again, but eggnog takes everything I dislike about dairy milk and makes it that much worse.