Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof

[AestheticsInMotion]

Specifically a Kodiak bear. For a bit more pizazz, we'll say one of the rare 1500 pound behemoths at that.

@chariotoflove inspired this shitpost investigative journalism, so direct all hate mail to him praise to me.

Anyways...

First we have to find out what constitutes being drunk.

In the United States, .08 blood alcohol content (BAC) is what we have agreed on as the legal limit for driving, and as such what we generally think of as the threshold for drunkenness. Ignoring all manor of factors from tolerance, to genetics, to blood sugar, to height, etc... A 200 pound male should reach a .08 BAC soon after three standard drinks. (standard being defined as 1.5 oz of 80 proof liquor, aka a shot of vodka).

So, three shots of vodka taken one after the next should get our 200 pound man legally drunk. Assuming no physiological differences between man and bear, we can view weight as the only real variable. Since our big brown bear weighs a nice 7.5 times that of our inebriated human, we can simply multiple the number of drinks by 7.5 to find out how much a Kodiak needs to pound down to be drunk.

So in conclusion, it takes 22.5 standard drinks to get a bear drunk*.

*Large Kodiak bear.

Let's go deeper.

What if I need to get said bear drunk? What do I have in my supply that would fit the bill?

First, take inventory of all the booze.

Make note of the volume of each bottle, and ABV% (strength).

Using those two variables, calculate the number of standard drinks each bottle contains.

But hold on... I want to be as realistic as possible in this drunk Kodiak scenario, so shouldn't I account for actual volume of remaining liquid? I mean, most of these bottles aren't full. Sure, the half gallon of Bacardi could probably do it if it was unopened, but there's probably only a third still inside! That'll be a slight buzz, at best.

Okay, so take that "number of standard drinks" calculation you found earlier, and multiply it by the percentage remaining within each bottle.

The numbers you get here represent the actual number of standard drinks remaining in each bottle.

The verdict? If I need to get a 1500 pound Kodiak drunk, I've got three options.

Maker's Mark Whiskey.

Tito's Vodka.

151 Rum.

Hold on... The title says CHEAPEST way to get a bear drunk! We're not done here!

Okay, okay internally projected voice, let's keep going.

To figure out what the cheapest option is, we first have to scour the web for data on pricing! Exciting! Be sure to grab the correct pricing for the size of bottle you have!

Now we need to convert to similar units. We can't have some prices for a 750ml bottle and others for a 1750ml bottle. That's just poor form.

To solve this error, we'll simply convert the price per bottle into a price per standard drink. (again, a standard drink being 1.5oz of 80 proof liquor).

With cost/per drink calculated, we now have to cross-reference this data with the prior data that told us we had three different options to get a Kodiak drunk. Maker's Mark, Tito's Vodka, and 151.

Of those three options, Tito's is the clear winner at only $0.73/drink, for a grand total of $16.42 to get a 1500 pound Kodiak Bear wasted.

Now if all my bottles were full, it would be a different story. Bacardi is astonishingly cheap—with less than $9 needing to be spent to get our bear arrested on a DUI charge.

On the flip side, the data shows that Patron Anejo and Bailey's Irish Cream coffee liqueur are both terrible choices, both right around $80 to get the job done.

I was going to create a scatterplot with one horizontal line representing human inebriation and another bear inebriation, seeing which bottles would get a bear, human, or neither drink based on if they were under or over the lines, but my Google-sheets knowledge doesn't extend too deeply unfortunately.

Oh, here's the raw data.

[EssExTee]

@aestheticsinmotion

Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk

Truer in more ways than you realize, although fireball will also do the trick.

[AestheticsInMotion]

@essextee I'm pretty sure bear is slang for something... In the dating scene..? but for the life of me I don't know what

[EssExTee]

@aestheticsinmotion it's the gay equivalent of dad-bod.

[ClassicDatsunDebate]

@aestheticsinmotion
You've clearly forgotten about Smirnoff 100 Proof.

[Chariotoflove]

@aestheticsinmotion
This is best Oppo. I'm so proud to be here reading this.

[AestheticsInMotion]

@classicdatsundebate said in Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof:

@aestheticsinmotion
You've clearly forgotten about Smirnoff 100 Proof.

Ah, but I'm only going off of the booze that I own*

Not counting beer, cider, or wine.

If my roommate was home I'd go through his supply too. He likes good whiskey and tequila, so there could be some interesting ones.

[ClassicDatsunDebate]

@aestheticsinmotion Ahhh...gotcha now.

This is the type of Oppo I love.

[koawaft]

@aestheticsinmotion Dont forget the oppotunity cost. The Skinny Girl Margarita should be used. No loss there.

[AestheticsInMotion]

@koawaft if I had the week off, I might just go through and redo all calculations with "likelihood of me ever drinking the bottle" as a variable. Pretty sure skinny girl was tried once, half a decade ago. Some of the others only come out for gross shots. I'm actually a bit terrified of the fact that I've somehow gone through 30% of a 151 rum bottle...

[AestheticsInMotion]

@chariotoflove said in Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof:

@aestheticsinmotion
This is best Oppo. I'm so proud to be here reading this.

I feel like it's my duty to drown out the constant flow of shitposts around here with some useful information backed up by data.

(edit) I added more bear pictures

[siennaman]

@aestheticsinmotion my first thought on reading this was that it would take a shit load of Baileys to get a bear drunk..

[derp]

a) what the fuck did i just read

b) do it again but for a silverback gorilla who likes whiskey

[Chariotoflove]

@aestheticsinmotion
The bear pics are what puts it over the top into epic.

[AestheticsInMotion]

@derp said in Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof:

a) what the fuck did i just read

My cover letter for a data scientist position. We must be on different time zones because I haven't heard back from them yet.

[Roadkilled]

@aestheticsinmotion
It's Friday afternoon and you are figuring out how to get a bear drunk. I'll try not to read too much into this, but...

[DipodomysDeserti]

@aestheticsinmotion Everclear 190 is probably the cheapest and quickest way. This stuff hits hard.

[Highlander]

@aestheticsinmotion give it tequila for that extra lovable drunk mood.

[SilentbutnotreallyDeadly]

@aestheticsinmotion
I'm looking forward to the follow-up practical part of the investigation...

[zipfuel]

@silentbutnotreallydeadly this is the kind of research I will kick in to fund...

[liam]

@aestheticsinmotion I hope your drunk Kodiak isn't an angry drunk.

[davesaddiction]

@aestheticsinmotion

This is good OPPO.

[AestheticsInMotion]

@dipodomysdeserti I don't think I'll ever try everclear. I've taken a shot of 151, I can't imagine trying something stronger than that.

@silentbutnotreallydeadly said in Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof:

@aestheticsinmotion
I'm looking forward to the follow-up practical part of the investigation...

I think @CarsOfFortLangley may be the closest, although I seem to recall there may have been an Alaskan oppo on hyphen?

[DipodomysDeserti]

@aestheticsinmotion My brother and I used to just drink 151 while camping in Hawaii. Goes great with POG juice. I’ve done a shot of Everclear before. It lets you know right away that it’s a bad idea. Would not recommend.

[Old Busted Hotness]

@derp said in Conclusive evidence that Tito's Vodka is the cheapest way to get a bear drunk - an oppo-exclusive proof:

b) do it again but for a silverback gorilla who likes whiskey

Or you could just ask me.

@AestheticsInMotion How are you going to get the vodka into the bear? I'd suggest the old chunk-the-bottle-into-a-watermelon method.