Personal pandemic musings
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Discussion of aging grandparents and the pandemic after the jump.
I've been on the fence about posting about this, but Oppo is usually good at this sort of thing and I'm not really close to a lot of people.The pandemic is hard to put it lightly in this new normal, but this week has been really hard and I wanted to get it off my chest.
On the Saturday, my grandma wanted to go to the store. She lives with my uncle, and she's 81 and she can't see well so he usually does the driving. He's 79 and honestly in worse shape, but he can see better. His legs ended up giving up that morning, and we think that's the last time he'll ever drive. Luckily another uncle lives right by them and he was able to get him crawling to his bed.
He's pretty arthritic, and in bad shape from neglecting physical therapy, a hip replacement, poor diet and a lifetime of doing basketball. He really shouldn't have been driving, he can't see very well either, slow reflexes. One of my aunts is a physical therapist and she thinks it's a culmination of him avoiding the work for so long. It scared the crap out of my grandma, she called me at like 1pm freaked out about it.
I'm very worried about it, my grandma is probably horrified seeing him like this, we're both scared she'll get hurt trying to help him back up after he falls again. They argue a lot about his health and this is gonna strain their relationship more. He's not really an uncle, he dated my grandma for years and at this point I'm not sure the nature of their relationship.
It ended up being okay, but it has me really worried about the future. I used to help them around the house and drive my grandma places, but since I've started food service I've been around so many people I am not really comfortable with it. My mom helps out too, but she also goes out to meet her friends go to the nail salon and the like and I don't think that's safe either but that's really a whole 'nother issue. I feel like I can really only watch as they get older, they have food right now but they're only gonna get less mobile.
Grandma went and bought a new Subaru a while back, mom told her not to drive but she really values the independence, she's always trying to get out the house and do things. She'd be torn if she had to sell it and none of us can drive her around reliably. I love her but she can be really pushy about it, and often it's easier to have mom talk to her instead of me.
I also am probably gonna do a lot more work in prep for Thanksgiving, I just hope that goes well. Last think I need this year is chaos over Turkeys. I don't know what to say, it's a lot and I'm doing what I can.
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I don't know what to tell you. My dad is late in his 80's and his mind is probably declining. Maybe shouldn't be driving. My sister wants to report him to the DMV to get his license revoked. Dad has said he will kill her if she does that. He's been fainting and vomiting at the YMCA playing pickleball. So much for COVID precautions. Mom doesn't know or want to know or neither of them wants to know what's really going on.
None of the three really listens to me when I've talked to them. I don't know what anyone can do to make parents do what one considers reasonable as far as driving or health or anything as long as they are considered mentally capable. My response has been to withdraw and let them do what they want until something happens that makes them change something.
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Getting old stinks. Watching people get old really stinks. I have a feeling I'll be one of the old people who refuses to stop driving around too because it does make me feel independent. But all I can tell you is that it sounds like you have your family's best interests in mind, staying away from your elderly family because of your job, and leaving the difficult stuff to mom (I know I would). Hope you have a drama-free Thanksgiving, friend.
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Not to make light of any of these situations cause they all suck. I’m coming up in 38 but I’m an old ass soul. I love staying in, hanging with the wife, and just puttering around the house. I’ve been built for retirement since I was 30. Watching my Grandparents, parents, and in-laws get old is hard. At some point people need to be pushed in the right directions and it is no easier to instigate or enforce.
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I feel for you in all of this. My dad is 83 now. Fortunately, he’s still sharp, going to work, and functioning normally. But he is cantankerous, and I worry for the future when things like you describe will be an issue. That’s a story for another post of my own.
I know you mostly just want to express your feelings, and I usually try to not be a “fixer”, but it occurs to me that Uber or Lyft could be a saving compromise if you can convince your grandma that being able to summon those rides at will is still independence, but safe independence. That’s just a thought that occurred to me. I hope you have a great thanksgiving doing all the prep!
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CoL said it - Uber or Lyft. And make sure Grandma always has a little bottle of hand sanitizer with her (and uses it). Based upon all the older women in my family, she should have plenty of room for it in her purse! lol
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@chariotoflove We suggested that instead of her buying a car, she did not want to do that. She was pretty stubborn about it.
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You might want to consider Companionship Care or something similar in your region.
https://www.visitingangels.com/
https://www.homeinstead.com/115/home-care-services/senior-care/companionship-services
https://www.care.com/senior-care
https://www.comforcare.com/
https://www.endeavorhomecare.com/services/senior-companion-care/ -
@s65 this hits home for me as well. My wife's grandmother is 90-something, has no business driving, but still does. "she just drives to places she's familiar driving to". I was in the car with her last about ten years ago, and it was terrifying then. "She's in florida, they're all like that." The lady has made it this long in life and we're going to lose her to an avoidable traffic accident one day, I swear to God.
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There are services out there for this and available at discount or with government assistance if they present financial hardship. The trick is getting stubborn ass old people who do shit against their best interests to actually use these services. Look up your local Aging & Disability Resource Center as a starting point. They can talk to you about your situation and suggest what's available.
https://acl.gov/programs/aging-and-disability-networks/aging-and-disability-resource-centers
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@s65 my grandmother is 89, and lives alone down in Florida - my grandfather died a few years ago from Alzheimer's after a few years in a care facility. She drives, but really shouldnt- has been in several accidents in recent years and just does not have the strength or reaction time. She's also quite frail, had a stroke years ago, and quit physical therapy after one session because "people her age shouldn't be doing exercise" , so she's never recovered from that. She's totally alone, the bulk of the family is in the Mid Atlantic/New England and California, and, apparently, really wanted to come to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving, but the pandemic has her absolutely scared out of her mind. She's wiping down packages with bleach, wearing a mask to shuffle to the end of her driveway and back, etc. And for good reason, really, if she gets this thing, she most likely would be one of the unlucky few who don't make it.
I dont know what to do about it at all. My mom has been really stressing over it. She and her brothers coordinate schedules so someone flies down to see her at least once a month, but they've been doing it every other month during the pandemic and taking extra precautions. She shouldn't be alone and shouldn't be so far from family, but she likes her house and her neighborhood, and is still fully all there mentally, and has been adamant over the years that she does not want to move. And if she didn't want an assisted living facility before they became ground zero for COVID deaths, she sure as hell won't go into one now.
It's basically a problem with no solutions. Which is really frustrating. People need to think about these things when theyre younger and healthier. Moving 1200 miles away from your family to a single family house in the suburbs is OK in your 60s and 70s when you're still healthy and fairly young, but what the hell is your backup plan when you get to your 80s or 90s and can't do all the things you used to do for yourself anymore? You need a backup plan, if that's your retirement situation. She clearly didn't have one, and also didn't have any contingency idea for living alone without her husband around to share the chores and stuff.
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@sn4cktimes said
I’m coming up in 38 but I’m an old ass soul. I love staying in, hanging with the wife, and just puttering around the house. I’ve been built for retirement since I was 30.
Maybe it's in your DNA. I'm not saying you're a rat or a dog but I've had a rat that was an entire homebody and like to hang out in her cage. The others like to leave and explore when I opened their cage.
My current Malamute likes to stay in the yard. I accidentaly left the gate open. She too a few steps outside, looked around, then turned and went back into the yard.
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@cash-rewards said
we're going to lose her to an avoidable traffic accident one day
It probably wouldn't bother me as much if it was my dad who did himself in while driving way beyond the point he should've given up his license but some innocent he might take out along with him. Like me out riding my bike for example!
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@ranwhenparked Those are good points. I like to think I'm making plans to grow old and feeble with backup plans now.
I have no delusions that I'll be able to think any clearer than your grandmother or anyone's else's parents being discussed here by the time I get to that age.
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@vincentmalamute my contingency is to just off myself when I can't stand living anymore. I've tied up most loose ends over the past few months, so ready at a moment's notice, if needed.
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@ranwhenparked I certainly would like to do that too but I've noticed that everyone who feels that way when young changes their mind when they get old. Or their brain changes and all it can think about is self-preservation.
A few years ago a few retired Harley execs had some kind of incident in their plane which went above supplemental O2 level, overflew the White House, scrambled F-16s escorted the plane until it ran out of fuel over the Atlantic.
I've read hypoxia is a pleasant way to go with euphoria and a sensation of well-being the initial symptoms. I'd have to buy or build a plane first though.
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@vincentmalamute I'm not talking then, I'm talking more imminently, when it becomes more obviously apparent that we're never going to go back to normal, even with vaccinations, or if/when I lose my job and wind up broke and homeless. Forget all that mess, life is more than just avoiding death, if it isn't going to be worth living, might as well not have it. I've been evaluating things on a month to month basis.
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@onlytwowheels My kneejerk is that she's too proud for it, I'll run it by mom though.
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@sn4cktimes I actually offered to live with her for a while back in like, May/June. She turned it down.
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I forgot to mention but one of the services ADRCs can connect you with is medical rides. They'll take old folks to medical stuff and there are other services that are kinda like old folk shuttles that'll pick them up at home and take them around to errands. Even if not going to in-home care services, the ride services can be kind of an entry point to show cranky stubborn proud old folks that they can accept help.
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@s65
When done properly, it doesn't have to be invasive. More like a friend dropping by to check on you and take you out to where you want to go a couple times per week, daily if needed.I like to think of Nicole Sullivan's character on King of Queens. A dog walker that is hired as a companion for Jerry Stiller's character Arthur, and take him out for walks.
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@ranwhenparked I don't know what to tell you either. I'm guessing you've heard all the suggestions and they seem trite now; outside help, therapy, other stuff that you feel you can't do or haven't helped or can't afford. I don't think the world is going back to the way it was before but I personally believe the world situation in general will be better than it is now. Obviously I can't say whether that'll be true for your personal situation. But I hope you're around for the long term.
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@vincentmalamute I don't see any signs at all of anything getting better, if anything, we're now moving backwards, and any semblance of hope is being actively crushed. We'll see, in the meantime, it is a bit comforting to know that there is at least one small amount of control I still have over my own life, a little bit of remaining self-determination, that can provide an easy way out of all this garbage, if needed.
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@s65 can only offer to help them sometimes. They don’t always make it easy. That’s for sure. My wife’s dad is starting to get pretty curmudgeonly. Like, more than reasonable for certain things. Within 5-10 years I can see him getting pretty problematic. And dementia / Alzheimer’s runs on that side of the family hard. Coupled with his being overweight , a bad hip, chronic smoker. It’s gonna be a thing
