Personal Life Oppo

[Jcarr]

Gather round, Oppo, as I unload some personal baggage upon you. I haven't been a regular here for some time, but I've always felt like I can be my true self in this community, so I feel comfortable sharing with you all.

Rewind to this time in 2017. I was 33 years old and 10 days away from leaving a job I'd been at for 7.5 years. The end of that job meant the end of day-long internet freedom, so my presence around here (or there, rather, since it was Kinja at that point) took a nose dive when I started the new job.

The new job was a breath of fresh air and, although consistently challenging, has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.

The new job had an unintended consequence, though. The unhappiness I had at the old job had been so strong that it had blinded me to another source of unhappiness in my life: my marriage. In January of 2018 my wife and I had a frank conversation where we both admitted that we weren't happy. We weighed the options, and decided that it was in our best interest and the best interest of our then 3-year-old son to go our separate ways.

It was a tough decision and has had its ups and down since then, but I believe that all 3 of us are better for it. My ex and I get along very well and work very hard to continue to be loving, supportive parents to our now 6-year-old.

As amicable and cooperative as our divorce has been, I still wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's a tough road, especially when there are kids involved. I can't even begin to fathom what kind of hell a nasty divorce is. My heart goes out to anyone who has lived through that, whether it be as one of the parties, or as a child. My Oppo door is always open to anyone who wants to talk about such a thing.

About a year ago I decided to dip my toe into the world of dating in your mid 30s. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, either. I'm kidding there, but only a little. It's definitely an experience and not always good for the old mental and emotional well being. My luck has been fairly limited, a fact that has only been compounded by a fucking global pandemic.

That brings me to a nice little Oppo on-topic tie in. Thanks to the rollercoaster of emotions that is dating as a nearly-middle age adult, last year's wonderful movie, Ford vs. Ferrari has been ruined for me, at least temporarily.

You see, I met a wonderful woman last November and hit it off with her right away. Our first date was one long, winding conversation in a local brewery that lasted 6 hours. In the course of the conversation, my love of cars and airplanes came up and I mentioned that Ford vs. Ferrari was out and that I wanted to see it.

We made plans to see it the next week and did. It was another great time and to be honest, those few days are still a high water mark for happiness for me in the last few years. Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us and with the onset of COVID, I haven't been able to achieve anything close in the dating game since. As a result, every time I think of the movie, I think of her.

Anyway, if you made it this far, congratulations and thanks for listening. I love this community and I feel fortunate that I can freely share something so personal.

Cheers to you all!

[Just Jeepin']

My wife and I separated 17 years ago, although it took a few years for us to finally divorce, mainly neither of us wanted to be the bad guy.

I’m extremely fortunate that she’s my best friend now, but that’s obviously pretty unusual. It helps that I don’t have many personal friends, so she has a low bar to hurdle, but even so she and I have become much better friends than we were as spouses.

I’ve given up on dating, but I’m quite a bit older than you. I wish you the best of luck.

[Jcarr]

@just-jeepin That's great that you've been able to create a strong friendship. My ex and I are in a similar position. We care about each other and get along really well, which is invaluable to me.

[Shop-Teacher]

That is very difficult. Kudos to you and your ex for being civil and putting your kid at the forefront.

One of my best friends has a kid about the same age, and got a divorce about the same time. They do not get along at all. She does not trust him. He is now remarried, and his ex has refused to even meet his new wife (aka her son's step mom). It has been a very complicated thing to manage.

[Jcarr]

@shop-teacher That's too bad. I really feel for kids in that type of situation. Breaks my heart.

[chan]

Thanks for sharing. Props to you and your ex for putting family first and even looking out for each other. I wish I had something substantial to offer, but please have faith that we'll get through the pandemic.

Other countries have been far more competent than we here in the States have been in keeping people safe, but businesses aren't going to survive the constant opening and closing. Hopefully the vaccines are our ticket out.

Stay safe and sane out there.

[Shop-Teacher]

@jcarr Me too. He's a really good kid, and he doesn't deserve the trouble he's being put through. My friend and his new wife are doing their best.

[CB]

@jcarr dating sucks. Godspeed.

And I’m glad you and your ex are on good terms and Pitt your son first. My parents’ divorce was super messy, which really wasn’t good for us.

[BicycleBuck]

Welcome back! Sorry to hear about the relationship problems. I was a child of an early divorce, but my father was never in the picture after that fateful day. I hope things go better for you.

[MybirdIStheword]

@jcarr sounds like you should drown your sorrows in gasoline and high g cornering

[interstate366]

2:50

It’s even worse when you absolutely do not want kids.

[SmugAardvark]

Hang in there, bud. For what it's worth, I had taken up dating again in my early 30's. The biggest stigma I dealt with was accepting that dating websites weren't just for losers and perpetually sad people. I don't know why I had that mentality, but for whatever reason, I did.

But it paid off. Seven years now with someone I love being around. The crazy thing was that we lived less than four blocks from each other, went to the same bars, and even had a few mutual friends. But if we hadn't both created profiles on OkCupid, we likely never would have met and hit it off as well as we did.

It also bears stating that if you go that route, women have to put up with an immense level of bullshit on any dating website. So keep that in mind.

[smobgirl]

Dating in your 30s sucks. I’ve totally given up on dating sites because unfortunately for the normal men out there, 90% of the messages I got were from absolute creeps. Real life isn’t much better (looking at you, dude at the bar with the wedding ring who won’t take no for an answer). But at least none of my favorite movies have been ruined yet!

[Cash Rewards]

@jcarr glad to see you here, and good luck out there!

[Jcarr]

@cb Thanks!

[Jcarr]

@bicyclebuck Thank you, I appreciate that.

[Jcarr]

@mybirdistheword Sounds like a good remedy!

[Jcarr]

@interstate366 Haha, that's good.

[Jcarr]

@smugaardvark Thanks, glad to hear things worked out for you! I've learned a lot about dating in the last year. From what I've heard, women have to put up with a lot of garbage, which is a damn shame.

[Jcarr]

@smobgirl I've talked to some female friends who are in the same boat as me and I can't believe all of the shit you guys have to endure. Makes me ashamed to be a man.

[Jcarr]

@cash-rewards Thanks!

[SmugAardvark]

@jcarr Yeah, I was honestly astounded and disgusted at the amount of unsolicited dick pics and macho BS they have to wade through.

But good luck out there. There are definitely still honest, down-to-earth, and genuinely enjoyable single people out there in their 30's. It just sometimes takes a little extra work to find them. The one bright side in my experience is that people in our age range have a bit of a better idea of what they look for in a person. I'm sure you'll find someone that complements you nicely.

[Peter_Black]

@jcarr I was wondering what had happened to ya. I remember having a number of discussions with you.

I'm glad to see you are back, and while I'm a a little sad for you and the wife not getting along in the end, I can only commend the both of you for trying to work together to have what's best for the little one.

We will be willing to lend an ear, and feel free to reach out to (at least me) via email for whatever if you need to vent.

[Jcarr]

@peter_black Thank you, I appreciate that!

[Danny Korecki]

@just-jeepin said in Personal Life Oppo:

My wife and I separated 17 years ago, although it took a few years for us to finally divorce, mainly neither of us wanted to be the bad guy.

I’m extremely fortunate that she’s my best friend now, but that’s obviously pretty unusual. It helps that I don’t have many personal friends, so she has a low bar to hurdle, but even so she and I have become much better friends than we were as spouses.

I’ve given up on dating, but I’m quite a bit older than you. I wish you the best of luck.

Genuinely curious, what is the point of two married people "separating" but not being divorced?